Disarming Your Anger

Believe it or not, anger is a secondary emotion. So although it feels like a primary emotion when you go from calm to anger quickly, the jump is not as quick as it seems. Often times there is underlying depression, grief, anxiety, ADD, trauma, insecurities, etc. that can make someone more susceptible to the rapid escalation. Sadly, as a society, we’ve created a social acceptance of anger (especially in men) as a form of natural expression. But we must start pushing back on this “social norm” given how toxic it is for both the people it’s directed towards as well as the individual experiencing it. We can all do better than that.

The key to preventing doing or saying something you could regret is slowing yourself down— your thoughts, your emotions, and ultimately your behaviors. Deliberately exercising self-control takes a lot of practice and strength. YOU are in control of your emotions, don’t let your emotions control you. Don’t give your emotions permission to override your intelligence. If your feelings go directly to flooding you will have a lot more work to do repairing the moment than if you spend a few extra moments giving your brain enough oxygen to respond with logic rather than emotion; “A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves thousands of moments of regret.”

I’m not saying don’t feel anger internally, I’m just saying it’s up to you what you DO with that feeling of anger. And believe me, you have more choices than your emotions let on. Underneath any bout of anger lies a reason. It’s our job as individuals and partners to become curious when it arises and work hard to uncover the answer without judgement.

Anger is an instant defense mechanism to prevent pain. In some cases it can even be a mechanism to regain power that was taken from you as a child. All in all, anger is what’s seen on the surface (tip of the iceberg) and the true emotion lies hidden underneath (see the Anger Iceberg image above). I wonder, what things are you most afraid of feeling?

Whether you had shaming parents or one traumatic life event, our body remembers the wounds. Misplaced and projected anger is the enemy—Not anger in and of itself. Be cautious to insert it only where truly appropriate. An inevitable part of being human is suffering and we all have wounds, so the sooner you accept this the sooner you will be able to process your avoided emotions and resolve them. Ernest Hemingway once said “We are all broken…..that’s how the light gets in.” If you see your suffering as an opportunity for positive change and transformation, you can do beautiful things with the anger. In fact, anger is energy that we can work with and direct wisely.

Here are the highlights…

• Know what emotion is underneath — accept it and process it with your therapist. We must name it to tame it.
• Start experimenting with healthy coping skills. Both ‘in the moment’ coping skills (taking a deep breath before speaking, taking a time out for yourself, walking away, having go-to phrases in your phone for reference to keep your emotions from overreacting, for example: “I am not going to let my intense emotions get the best of me” or “I am in control of my emotions—my emotions are not in control of me” or “I am not a failure,” etc.) AND daily proactive coping skills (exercise, music, journaling, meditation, etc.) are equally as important to utilize. If you aren’t actively resolving your daily stressors it’s going to put you on the edge more and make you more vulnerable to quick, reactive behaviors. ‘In the moment’ coping is just as important whether in the heat of an argument with your partner or feeling triggered by the intense emotions of your 3 year old. Have a tool box to pick from so you are prepared either way.
• Listen to your body. Where in your body is it signaling you are getting irritated? Your body is trying to warn you. Do you feel it in the pit of your stomach? Do you start grinding your teeth? Do you feel your face starting to get hot? Make sure you are you trying to deescalate yourself at the annoyed or upset or frustrated stage rather than waiting until you are in the furious, only see red stage because at this point you’re already flooded and all logic goes out the window.
• Don’t take anything personal. Others’ criticisms are often a projection of that person’s own unmet needs or insecurities. Our thoughts inform our feelings which influence our behaviors, so it all starts with your thinking!
• Utilize self control. Walk away momentarily or physically cover your mouth to prevent shaming words. There are research indications that suggest that by resisting anger it rewires your brain to neurologically shift to calmer states for future events. So practice practice practice!
• Check-in with yourself. Ask yourself these questions: 1) “Where am I on the tension scale 1-10?”) “Am I taking something personal that isn’t mine to own?” 3.) “Is the reaction I am tempted to give proportional to the act in front of me?” 4.) “Am I assuming something right now that deems clarity?”
• Communicate the real emotion or need instead of the anger.
• Replace faulty thinking and shift towards empathy. Compassion and empathy have a tremendously powerful effect in being able to dissolve anger. When your child is screaming over not getting the right color fork, remind yourself she’s probably hungry and still learning how to regulate her own emotions. When your partner snaps at you for not helping with the dishes, remind yourself that he/she’s had a long day of keeping four children alive and a clean house.
• Repair any damage that’s been done and commit to doing better next time.